Here's the thing about kids. When they give you a present you need to appreciate the beauty of the gift. A pebble, a dandelion or a piece of string carefully stuck to a bit of paper. Because when a child gives you a present, they're literally giving you all they can give.
Husbands, sons and dads? They have no excuse.
I quizzed the women in my family and I now present you with the worst gifts they've received.
1. An Owl Toilet Roll Holder.
I was given this gem for Christmas from The Husband. Don't get me wrong, owls are cute. Baby owls are ridiculously cute. But sticking an owl on a toilet roll holder doesn't save this gift. Let's call an owl toilet roll holder what it is - a bathroom fixing that holds loo roll.
2. A Pink Hoover
It should be common sense. Do not give a household appliance to someone as a present. And don't try to hide your foolish decision with pink. The vacuum cleaner pictured? Yeah, it's outlasted the relationship.
3. A toe nail in a box.
My Sister-in-law once got drunk and lost her big toe nail. It literally disappeared off her foot. All of it. It became a bit of a joke between her and her then boyfriend, my brother. "Have you seen my keys?" "Maybe they're with your toe nail".
One day my brother found the toe nail and for some reason thought it would be cute to wrap it up in a little blue gift box. Let's clear this up once and for all. The only thing in a pretty gift box should be something sparkly. Like an engagement ring maybe.
4. Anything prefaced with:
- 'I didn't have time to look for something'
Birthdays, Christmas, Mothers Day. These days are not new. You have plenty of time. Leaving it to the last minute is just laziness. And laziness in gift giving is really just a slap in the face.
- 'I didn't know what to get you'
YOU SHOULD KNOW. And if you don't know specifics, you should have a general idea what someone you love would like.
- 'John/Jane said I should get you something'
This just makes the recipient think you're only giving them a pressie because someone told you to and you don't want to look bad.
5. The same thing as last year.
I know a woman who once expressed glee at receiving a candle. She has then received a candle for every special occasion from the same person for the last 3 years. Said woman now has about 12 unopened candles and enough melts to freshen a locker room. And she rarely burns them because she has crazy cats!
A special occasion is the perfect time to surprise someone. And by surprise we don't mean relying on a previous success. Even diamonds will get boring.
So, to anyone reading this - do not, I repeat, do not, give any of these presents to your mum or wife this Mother's Day. She won't thank you for it. And if she does? Watch your back.
Want a fool-proof gift for your Mum? Check out our Mother's Day ideas below.